


if this love is pain (darling, let's hurt tonight)

by krazycoocoo



Category: ASTRO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: (not really) - Freeform, Angst, Jeon Jungkook Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Minor Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Minor Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Minor Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin, Minor Park Jinwoo | Jinjin/Kim Myungjun | MJ, Slow Burn, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 22:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10863447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazycoocoo/pseuds/krazycoocoo
Summary: Melancholy still lingered in the recesses of Taehyung's eyes, but his smile was so irrevocably forgiving and Jeongguk was, maybe, a little bit in love with him.---(Or, the one in which Jeongguk meets Taehyung, and it is love at first sight.)





	if this love is pain (darling, let's hurt tonight)

**Author's Note:**

> so I'm back! let's begin by saying that this story is deeply personal to me, and that when I write from jeongguk's perspective I'm more or less writing from my own. I relate very heavily to this story and I hold it very dear in my heart...but it's not my finest work, and I'm well aware of that. sorry if I don't get their personalities down well enough...I wanted their personalities to reflect the people in my life as well as the characters' original personalities so that turned out kind of messy.
> 
> title is taken from One Republic's 'Let's Hurt Tonight'.
> 
> (disclaimer: none of the characters belong to me, obviously. they're real people.)

**if this love is pain (darling, let’s hurt tonight)**

**one | about friendships**

\--

Jeongguk took one glance at the clock and yelped. “Shit!” he cried. “I’m late!”

Namjoon heaved an exasperated sigh. “Isn’t it your first day of school?” He muttered, watching his younger brother pace a hole through the floor searching for his bag.

“Details, details,” Jeongguk retorted, pushing his head through the opening in his dark grey sweatshirt. “Where’s Jin-hyung?”

A fond smile crossed his older brother’s features. “In the kitchen,” he answered, dimple popping in his left cheek.

Jeongguk could have gagged, honestly. If he wasn’t so late.

“D’you think he’d give me a ride?”

“Probably, he’s a sweetheart.”

“Sweet! Thanks, hyung!” Jeongguk called out, taking the stairs down two at a time and flying into the kitchen.

Seokjin shot him a half-hearted glare when Jeongguk swung an arm around his shoulder. “My favourite hyung, what’s up!”

“What is it, Guk-ah?” the older boy sighed, pulling his oven mitts off.

“Want to drive me to school, hyung? Cause you’re so great and all?” Jeongguk’s bottom lip pushed out into a pout, and he widened his eyes, blinking furiously.

Seokjin groaned, resolve weakened, and whacked his sniggering boyfriend on the arm as they passed him.

 

 

“Have a good first day, yeah?”

Jeongguk buried his face in his arms. “It’s not my first day _ever,_ hyung,” he whined, and Seokjin giggled cutely, leaning over him and popping the door open.

“Make some friends, Guk-ah!” He called after the young boy, who flushed and stumbled past the staring students cluttered at the gate.

The first two periods of the day passed without a hitch, Jeongguk being able to slide into spare seats and make minimal human contact. Third period rolled around, and Jeongguk shot a sparing glance at his timetable, groaning at the letters spelling out ‘Economics’.

The tiny classroom seemed already half-full when he stepped into it, and a couple of curious glances were sent his way, but he kept his head down and moved to the back row, setting his things down on a spare table. He spent the next few minutes organising his books when a hesitant cough sounded to his left.

Jeongguk looked up, eyes wide.

“Um,” the other boy coughed awkwardly. “I just – uh, there’s a seat next to me, if you wanted to sit there?”

Jeongguk blinked, clearing his throat. “Oh! Uh, sure, yeah, thanks,” he finally managed, lugging his things over to the spare desk and shooting a grateful smile at the other boy. “Thank you,” he said again.

“You’re welcome,” the other boy smiled back, grin endearingly rectangular. “Just, uh, nobody sits in the last row, not really – teacher would’ve started picking on you, and stuff.”

_Oh._

“Seriously, thank you,” Jeongguk blurted, eyes wide. “I bet you saved my life just then.”

“Seriously, you’re welcome,” the other boy repeated, smile widening. “I’m Taehyung, by the way. Kim Taehyung.”

“Jeon Jeongguk.”

The answering smile from Taehyung was blinding, and Jeongguk was, maybe, a little bit in love with him.

 

**two | about scars**

\--

“Gukkie! Where are you?”

Jeongguk rolled his bottom lip in between his teeth, muttering a vague answer somewhere along the lines of “on my way”, and Taehyung hissed through the phone.

“I can’t believe you’re _late!_ ” The older boy cried dramatically, and Jeongguk winced, holding the phone a little further away.

“I’m not late!” he defended instantly, shoving his way through the crowded bus. “The _bus_ was late!”

“Same difference, Gukkie,” Taehyung whined, and Jimin snickered in the background.

“Aish, impatient hyung,” the younger boy mumbled, pushing himself through the bus doors. “I’m here, I’m here,” he added.

“I can see you! Bye, Gukkie!”

Jeongguk slipped his phone into his phone as he spotted the older boy waving furiously from the entrance. “See! I’m not _late,_ Tae,” he teased, and Taehyung shoved him lightly, pouting.

“You were _almost_ late.”

“Not late,” Jeongguk repeated firmly, letting Taehyung drag him up the stairs. “What’s the hurry, anyway?”

“It’s your _first_ carnival with us, Gukkie! I don’t want it to be bad for you,” Taehyung answered, turning his head to shoot his younger friend an excited smile, and Jeongguk sighed.

“It’s not my first sports carnival _ever,_ Tae,” he murmured, but his smile widened. “And it’s not going to be bad, I’m sure.”

Taehyung smiled again, eyes soft, and Jeongguk looked away quickly, heart pounding strangely in his chest.

 

 

“Gukkie! I’m so proud of you!”

“Oh my God, Tae,” Jeongguk groaned, returning the older boy’s hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so…I’m so happy,” Taehyung sniffled, burying his face in the younger boy’s neck. “You came _first!_ ”

“I _know,_ Tae, I was there,” Jeongguk teased, smiling down at his friend.

“Shut up and let me be happy,” Taehyung retorted, slapping Jeongguk lightly on the chest.

“Okay, okay,” he laughed. “ _Thank you,_ Tae.”

“You deserve it, Gukkie,” he murmured, head falling against the younger boy’s shoulder, breath warm against Jeongguk’s sweaty skin.

Jeongguk hesitated, fingers tilting the older boy’s chin up. “You do too,” he murmured, and Taehyung blinked.

“What? I didn’t even race…”

“Not the win, Tae,” Jeongguk exhaled, and Taehyung tilted his head. “I just…I can see it in your eyes, you know? You’re not always…happy, with yourself, with life, I don’t know. But I can see it. And I just, I want you to know that you deserve to find happiness, I guess.”

Taehyung regarded the younger boy cautiously, gaze shuttered. “Everyone deserves happiness, Gukkie.”

“Especially you.”

He smiled then, eyes warm. “I know,” he answered gently. “I’m trying – but it’s, it’s hard sometimes, to find it.” He paused, unwinding his arms and pulling his sleeve up.

Jeongguk’s breath caught in his throat, fingers reaching up to trace the scars on the older boy’s arm.

“It’s okay, Gukkie,” Taehyung whispered, eyes still impossibly _warm._ “They’re old, I promise.”

He swallowed. “I’m sorry, Tae.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, Gukkie.”

“No – I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry that happiness doesn’t come easily for you. I’m sorry you can’t see how amazing you are, Tae. I’m…I’m just sorry this is how you feel.”

Taehyung smiled again, pulling his sleeves down and thumbing away the tears welling in the younger boy’s eyes. “It’s okay, Gukkie. I promise.”

“You don’t have to hide them,” Jeongguk murmured, pushing his sleeves back up, and Taehyung blinked.

“I know,” he finally answered, eyes tracing the shape of his scars. “It’s just…the reminder. It’s kind of painful, you know?”

Jeongguk only smiled sadly at the older boy.

 “Hey, Tae, Guk! We got you chips and shit, get your lazy arses over here!”

“Must be Yoongi-hyung,” Taehyung laughed, hands cupping Jeongguk’s cheeks for the briefest of moments. “You okay?”

“I should be asking you that, Tae,” Jeongguk answered, knocking the older boy’s shoulder with his own. “Come on, I want chips.”

Taehyung laughed again, looping his fingers around the younger boy’s wrist and tugging. “Come on then, you pig.”

Melancholy still lingered in the recesses of Taehyung’s eyes, but his smile was so irrevocably forgiving and Jeongguk was, maybe, a little bit in love with him.

 

               **three | about insecurities**

\--

“Hyung, do you reckon I look okay?”

“What are you, gay?” Yoongi snorted, pushing a hand through his reddish-brown mop of hair. “And that’s coming _from_ the gay one.”

“Yoongi-hyung, pleaseeee,” Jeongguk whined, slipping his feet into a pair of wedge-heeled Converse, doing the metallic side-zip up, and walking to stand beside Yoongi.

The older boy chuckled. “Guk-ah, you look fine. You taking the mask?”

Jeongguk smiled slightly, accepting the white face-mask from Yoongi and slipping it over his face. “Are they coming over now?”

Yoongi flashed the younger boy a gummy smile. “Should be here soon – if Hobi takes any longer to put on his fucking jeans, I swear to God.”

“Just date already, hyung,” Jeongguk groaned, ducking to avoid Yoongi’s flailing arm.

“Fucker, we’re not in love or any shit like that, God!”

He chuckled unbelievingly. “I’m sure, hyung,” he appeased the older boy, voice patronising. “Make sure to close your mouth when you’re ogling him!”

“Fucker, get the fuck back -!”

The door of their room swung open as Yoongi’s fist met thin air, Jungkook side-stepping his hyung’s small body to greet Jimin. “Jiminnie, Yoongi-hyung is bullying me,” he whined, hissing when Jimin whacked him on the arm.

“Don’t be mean to him, Gukkie,” he scolded lightly, and the younger boy pouted pathetically. “And where’s my _hyung,_ disrespectful brat?” He added, eyes curving into teasing crescents.

“Yeah, _Gukkie,_ don’t be mean to me,” Yoongi smirked as he passed, ruffling the back of Jeongguk’s neatly brushed hair.

“ _Yah,_ hyung! My hair!” Jeongguk groaned, words muffled by his face-mask and the sound of Jimin and Yoongi’s laughter.

“Hobi-hyung and Taetae are coming over soon,” Jimin interrupted, smirking at the sudden flush erupting on Yoongi’s pale cheeks. “They should be here – “

The door slammed loudly against the wall, cutting through Jimin’s speech, and Taehyung and Hoseok stood there, sporting matching grins. “The party has started!” They chorused, whooping, and Yoongi sighed heavily, rolling his eyes.

Jeongguk nudged him in the side, whispering, “you have great taste, hyung,” before moving back to avoid Yoongi’s heated glare, missing his muttered, “so do you, apparently.”

“Gukkie!” Taehyung chirped, throwing his arms around the younger boy’s neck and pulling him in for a hug. “Let’s get breakfast!”

“Yeah, don’t worry about us!” Hoseok called from behind them.

“No need to – you have Yoongi-hyung!” Jeongguk called back, a pleased grin plastered on his face when Taehyung hollered, “that’s my boy!”

(He ignored the sudden increase in his heartbeat _._ )

“Where’d you get the mask?” Taehyung questioned, breaking the comfortable silence as they walked up the steps, and Jeongguk frowned behind it.

“Yoongi-hyung.”

“Ah, no wonder you look like him,” he teased, and the younger boy halted in his tracks.

“What’re you talking about?” He snapped accusingly, feeling his cheeks heat up as Taehyung gave his outfit a slow, thorough once-over.

“It’s just…that shirt, Gukkie? Those jeans? Those _shoes?_ ” He hesitated, biting his lip. “You just, you look kinda… _gay,_ if you know what I mean.”

Swallowing his anger, Jeongguk averted his gaze. “I don’t think I know what you mean,” he admitted quietly. “But it’s cool, hyung. I don’t really care.”

He missed the guilt that flashed across the Taehyung’s face in his desperate attempt to make it to the dining hall before he burst into tears.

 

 

“Aren’t you warm?” Moonbin gave his outfit a once-over, lips pulling down into a frown at his thick sweater. “It’s like, fifty fucking degrees out, dude.”

Jeongguk shrugged half-heartedly, eyes trained on his Converse. “It’s fine – I get cold easily.”

He heard the other boy sigh heavily, looking up to meet his sympathetic gaze. “Jeongguk-ah,” he hesitated. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m always here.”

He smiled then, eyes curving into hesitant crescents. “Thanks, Bin-ah.”

Moonbin tilted his head at him, running a hand through his chocolate hair, before glancing behind him and smirking knowingly. “Guess I should take my leave now. Catch you later.”

A second later, he felt warm arms drape around his neck. “Where’d you run off to, Gukkie?”

“Got hungry,” he replied shortly, ducking out of the older boy’s grasp and ignoring the slightly wounded look on his face.

Taehyung bit his lip, eyeing the younger boy with wary eyes. “You put a sweater on,” he noted, eyes trailing the knitted navy material curiously. “Why?”

“Someone told me I looked gay, so.” Jeongguk said lightly, turning to smile sweetly at the older boy before moving forwards in the line, slinging an arm around Moonbin when he reached him.

 

 

“You fucked up, Guk-ah,” Yoongi sighed, wincing when Hoseok poked him sharply in the ribs.

Jeongguk groaned, head falling into his palms. “I _know,_ hyung,” he whined.

“Why’d you do it, then?”

“I enjoy pettiness.” He deadpanned, and Yoongi snorted into his coffee. “Real talk, though, I was a little hurt by his comment. I don’t know. It was weird, you know? Like, I’m not usually insecure or anything – and _why_ are y’all looking at me like that?”

Hoseok slapped his palm over Yoongi’s mouth just as he blurted, “you’re in love, Guk-ah!”

Jeongguk blinked, brows furrowing. “In love? With who?” Yoongi stared evenly at Hoseok before turning his gaze back to the younger boy. “Wait, with _Taehyung?_ No way, hyung! I’m not…I’m not _gay,_ or anything.”

Yoongi’s gaze didn’t waver. “So, which part did you find offensive?”

“The part where he insinuated I dress like a _gay_ guy!” Jeongguk spat out, breaths harsh. “I mean, no offence intended, y’all dress like fashion Gods, but I’m not gay! I have like, zero fashion sense!”

“True,” Yoongi snickered, pouting when Hoseok slapped him on the arm.

Hoseok sighed heavily, his arm falling to rest easily around Yoongi’s shoulders. “Maybe you are,” he voiced hesitantly. “And you just don’t know it yet.”

Jeongguk frowned, face mask draped around his neck. “I would know,” he answered decisively, ignoring their knowing glances. “Right?”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Hoseok finally muttered. “You gotta find a way to make it up to Tae.”

“How do I do that?” Jeongguk inquired quietly. “I’m not good at…at this. Friends, feelings, shit like that. How am I supposed to apologise when I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong?”

“You don’t need to know what you did wrong to apologise,” Hoseok countered softly, sparing a glance at Yoongi, whose head lolled heavily against the dancer’s shoulder. A fond smile played on his lips. “You just need to apologise for hurting his feelings.”

“Then what?”

“Talk to him about why you got mad. Tell him you’re still finding yourself, and it’s hard to take insults without a pinch of salt, I don’t know,” he sighed. “Just…make it up to him. It’s weird when you guys are fighting.”

 

 

“Come on, hyung! I’m so excited for this – I haven’t seen _Jaws_ in so long, and it’s _such_ a good movie! I’m so happy camp has movie night, honestly.” Taehyung’s voice rang loud and clear as he dragged Hoseok away, arm looped around his neck.

Jimin sighed from beside Jeongguk. “You gotta apologise, Gukkie, before Yoongi-hyung murders Taetae with his glare.”

‘Okay, _fine,”_ Jeongguk groaned. “Can you help me?”

Jimin side-eyed him, huffing in irritation. “What do you mean _help_ you?”

“Like, get him to wait outside or something,” he pleaded, pouting.

The older boy exhaled again, turning to glance at Yoongi who trod behind them, murderous glare directed at the ground, before nodding. “Okay, I’ll stall him. Hurry your slow arse up.”

Jeongguk watched him jog up the hill towards the hall, heart heavy in his chest. “Don’t worry, hyung,” he said quietly, watching Yoongi’s eyes flit up for a second. “Taehyung doesn’t mean any harm.”

“I know,” Yoongi finally responded, beanie pulled low over his ears. “I’m just scared that Hoseok will leave me for someone better.”

Jeongguk scoffed. “He has a serious case of heart-eyes for you, hyung,” he reassured the older boy. “Trust me, he wouldn’t leave you even if it meant his death.”

A smile playing on his thin lips, Yoongi only grunted in response, giving Jeongguk a slight push towards the hall. “Good luck, kid. You’ll be fine.”

When Jeongguk stepped into the carpeted hall, the projector flashing the beginning scene of _Jaws_ on the screen, he spotted Taehyung, Jimin and Hoseok instantly, sitting in a tight circle, and sighed heavily, trudging his way over and noticing the way Taehyung wouldn’t meet his gaze, back turned to him.

Jimin met his eyes and shrugged helplessly.

Irritation simmered under his skin and Jeongguk rolled his eyes, walking across the hall to sit with Moonbin and his group of friends. A quarter of the way through the movie, Dongmin nudged him in the side, fixing him with a curious glance. “What are you doing here?”

Jeongguk bit his lip, refusing to look in the direction of Taehyung. “Watching the movie, hyung,” he answered, hearing Jinwoo sigh from behind him. “You don’t like my company?”

Moonbin shot him a glance as Dongmin chuckled lightly. “It’s not that, Jeongguk-ah,” he assured. “What about Taehyung-ssi?”

Jeongguk coughed awkwardly. “What about him?”

“He’s been staring at you the entire time, Jeongguk-ah,” Jinwoo interrupted, and Jeongguk turned in time to see Myungjun flick him on the arm, hissing a gentle _‘shush’_.

“Literally the _entire time,_ ” Minhyuk piped up, arm slung comfortably around Sanha’s bony shoulders.

“He’s not even watching the movie! And _Jaws_ is such a good movie, too,” Sanha pouted, and Minhyuk ruffled his dark hair affectionately.

Something lodged itself heavily in Jeongguk’s throat as he watched them, and he blurted quickly, “are you guys dating?”

Minhyuk and Sanha shot each other amused glances before turning to Jeongguk and shaking their heads. “Nah, hyung,” Sanha answered, giggling and jabbing Minhyuk’s side playfully. “We’re just super good friends.” Minhyuk made a sound of agreement in the back of his throat. “MJ-hyung and Jinjin-hyung are the ones who’re dating.”

“Dongmin and Binnie may as well be, honestly,” Myungjun interjected, head resting gently on Jinwoo’s shoulder and chuckling as Dongmin and Moonbin made indignant noises in their throats.

The six fell silent after a moment, Jinwoo licking his lips before saying, “you got a problem with gay guys, Jeongguk-ah?”

“No, nothing like that, hyung,” he laughed quietly, and Myungjun breathed a sigh of relief. “Just that – I think I’m…jealous? I’m not really sure,” he admitted, and Dongmin placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, eyes curving warmly.

“Jealous?” Sanha blinked, sitting up in Minhyuk’s arms. “Of us?”

Jeongguk chuckled. “No, not of you, just…Jinwoo-hyung, how do you do it?”

“Jinjin is fine,” the older boy muttered, absent-mindedly running his thumb over the back of Myungjun’s tan hand. “Do what?”

“You know…” Jeongguk shrugged loosely. “I can’t imagine people have been too…accepting.”

Myungjun giggled a little nervously, fingers curling around Jinwoo’s. “Of course not,” he answered lightly. “But, you know, when you’re in love it doesn’t really matter what other people think of you.”

Jinwoo smiled giddily, eyes curving at the corners and gums flashing, pressing a kiss into the side of Myungjun’s head of fluffy dark-golden hair. “Aw, babe, I love you too.”

The feeling of eyes on his neck made his skin prickle uncomfortably, and Jeongguk shifted in his spot, ignoring the knowing glance Moonbin sent him. His phone vibrated furiously in his front pocket and he shifted again, turning his back towards the direction he knew Taehyung was sitting, lips probably pulled down into a sad pout and eyes flickering back and forth between Jeongguk and the screen.

 **Jimin [21:23]:** taetae is saaaad, guk-ah :(  
**Jeongguk [21:24]:** nothing I can do about that…he won’t even look at me.  
**Jimin [21:25]:** he’s been looking at you the whole time  
**Jeongguk [21:26]:** not what I meant.  
**Jimin [21:27]:** anyway he’s going to the bathroom soon  
**Jeongguk [21:28]:** so…am I supposed to stalk him into a cubicle or what  
**Jimin [21:29]:** no, idiot, wait for him outside the bathroom  
**Jeongguk [21:30]:** …  
**Jeongguk [21:31]:** …  
**Jeongguk [21:32]:** sure

Out of the corner of his eye, Jimin and Taehyung got up, the shorter male’s hand wrapped around Taehyung’s bicep, and headed out of the hall, the heavy door swinging shut silently behind them. A moment later, Jeongguk placed a hand on Moonbin’s shoulder and said quietly, “don’t wait for me if I don’t come back, Bin-ah.”

Moonbin shot him a smile, and Dongmin did the same, eyes curving sweetly. “Good luck, Jeongguk-ah,” the two boys murmured.

 

 

“Yah, Chimchim, there’s no toilet paper left here!”

Jeongguk snorted quietly – trust Taehyung to be hygienic to the point of using up all the toilet paper. “There’s some here,” he finally said, tearing a wad off from the next cubicle and slipping it under.

Taehyung was silent, fingers brushing over Jeongguk’s briefly. “Thanks.”

He leant against the wall outside, heard the toilet flush, and pushed a couple of fingers through his hair, biting his lip nervously as the door swung open and Taehyung stepped out.

“So, um, where’s Chim?”

“Probably went back to the hall.”

“Hmm.”

“Look, hyung,” Jeongguk sighed, placing a hand on Taehyung’s forearm. “Can you please – can you please, just, look at me?”

Taehyung’s eyes flitted up to meet Jeongguk’s for a second. “I am looking at you.”

“Fine,” Jeongguk snapped, releasing the older boy and exhaling. “Fine, don’t, just – can we talk, at least?”

Taehyung bit his lip, glancing up at the younger boy again. “Sorry,” he blurted. “Sorry – I’m sorry, I’m being difficult…”

“No, oh Tae, no,” Jeongguk groaned, wrapping an arm around the older boy’s middle and pulling him in, pressing a hesitant close-mouth kiss to his temple. “Tae, it’s not your fault…I’m sorry for overreacting, it was rude of me. Please stop crying, Tae, oh my God – “

“Sorry, sorry,” Taehyung blubbered, smearing the back of his palm across his eyes and sniffling. “ _God,_ I’m sorry – I’m sorry, Gukkie…”

“Tae, please, _please,_ stop crying,” Jeongguk murmured desperately, pressing the pads of his thumbs across the bags under his eyes, wiping away the tears. “I’m sorry for being rude before, I shouldn’t have let it – “

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” Taehyung sniffled, leaning heavily into the younger boy’s touch.

“I shouldn’t have overreacted, hyung,” Jeongguk said quietly, tightening his hold.

The two stood in their awkward embrace for a while, Taehyung’s sniffling quieting slowly until Jeongguk released him from the hold, skin tingling underneath the older boy’s intense gaze.

“What are you looking at?”

“Just…you,” Taehyung answered, his smile so impossibly _warm,_ his eyes so impossibly _fond,_ that Jeongguk found himself flushing a pretty pink, from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. “Thanks, Jeonggukkie,” he murmured. “You’re nice.”

He chuckled lowly. “Nah, Tae, I’m not nice – not at all,” he sighed.

“No, you _are,_ ” Taehyung interrupted firmly, hands brushing loosely, distractedly, over Jeongguk’s bomber jacket. “You _are,_ Gukkie, you really are.”

Taehyung looked up at the younger boy, and Jeongguk’s breath caught in his throat. He was so incredibly beautiful, the starlight trapped in his shining eyes, the whole universe trapped in his dazzling smile, and Jeongguk was, very likely, a little bit in love with him.

 

               **four | about stars**

\--

The night air nipped at his exposed skin and Jeongguk shivered, burying his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Where are you?” He muttered quietly, stomping his feet irritably on the rain-covered cement.

“Right here, Gukkie!”

“Jesus _fuck,_ Tae, don’t do that,” he scowled, pressing a cold hand over his leather-clad chest and wincing. Taehyung shot him a familiar boxy smile and Jimin giggled, throwing a casual arm over Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“Sorry, Gukkie!” Taehyung chirped, blowing the younger boy a kiss.

“He’s not sorry at all,” Jimin joked, shooting Jeongguk a cheerful smile.

Jeongguk frowned, shifting uncomfortably in the shorter boy’s hold. “Jiminnie,” he murmured lowly, turning his head ever so slightly. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” the older boy answered defensively, pulling his arm back, eyes wounded. “Sorry, I didn’t realise only Taetae could hug you.”

“Wait, Jiminnie, that’s not what I meant,” he stuttered out, watching the older boy turn his back and greet Yoongi, eyes downcast. Yoongi’s own lips settled into a thin line and he shot Jeongguk a heated glare over Jimin’s shoulder, wrapping both arms around Jimin’s waist and pulling him in.

“Aish, Gukkie, what did you do now?” Taehyung sighed, sidling up close to the younger boy and pressing the full length of his warm, solid body against Jeongguk’s.

“Nothing!” He snapped, offended at the _now_ in the older boy’s question and stepping back.

“Sure,” Taehyung replied instantly, an offended smirk playing across his features as he retracted his arm.

“…Okay, maybe I hurt his feelings,” Jeongguk sighed, walking behind Yoongi and Jimin as the four made their way towards the crossing. “But I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Nah, I know,” the older boy hummed thoughtfully. “You can be insensitive sometimes, Gukkie, but we all know you don’t mean it.”

“Insensitive?” Jeongguk muttered, crossing his arms and huffing.

Taehyung giggled, bopping his nose cutely on the younger boy’s cheek. “Yeah, Gukkie, _insensitive._ Like I said, though, we know you, so it doesn’t matter.”

“That’s probably why I can’t make friends then, hyung,” Jeongguk joked, breath hanging in a puff of crystalized air.

The older boy laughed loudly, looping his arm through Jeongguk’s and smiling widely. “Yeah, probably,” he teased. “Or you’re just an overly shy, antisocial bunny,” he added, eyes crinkling at the corners.

Jeongguk groaned, burying his face in the crook of Taehyung’s neck. “I am _not_ a bunny,” he sighed, trying half-heartedly to suppress his smile.

“Sure,” Taehyung replied, and Jeongguk smiled anyway, mouth warm against the older boy’s neck.

 

 

Hoseok’s apartment, situated close to the harbour overlooking a beauteous expanse of deep azure, was a spacious breadth of immense luxury, the clean white walls and the spotless marble countertops sparkling under the fluorescent lighting. Hoseok welcomed them in, dressed in white sweatpants and a loose-fitting black hoodie, a smile brighter than the sun painting his features.

Yoongi stuttered over his greeting and ducked past the dancer, ears flushed red.

Jimin and Taehyung laughed after the older boy, each offering Hoseok a wide smile and a warm side-hug before flying off to find the older boy (who no doubt had buried himself in his music by now). Jeongguk toed his Timberlands off and threw his arms around the older dancer’s lean body, squeezing quickly.

“Hyung, where’ve you been? Haven’t seen you at dance class in so long,” he said quietly, the two walking towards the bedrooms.

Hoseok shot him a nervous smile. “I’ve been busy with work,” he admitted. “But I’ve been catching up on the technique lessons and I’m still choreographing for our next piece,” he added quickly, and Jeongguk sighed, shaking his head slowly.

“You overwork yourself, hyung,” he muttered, and Hoseok smiled wanly.

“I don’t have a choice,” he admitted, pausing right outside the closed door of one room. “My family isn’t as well off as people think, Guk-ah.”

Jeongguk hesitated. “Are you happy, hyung?”

Hoseok’s lips curled at the corners. “I’m not unhappy,” he finally said. “This isn’t what I wanted to be, but I’m not unhappy.”

Jeongguk didn’t question why his smile seemed so harsh, so bitter around the edges.

Hoseok didn’t thank him for it, but the way his eyes softened marginally at the corners was thanks enough.

 

 

“Fuck, I hate this weather so much!” Taehyung whined, wrapping the thick fleece blanket around his trembling self and pouting pathetically at the fogged-up glass.

Jeongguk chuckled quietly. “Stop complaining, hyung,” he joked. “You get the better side of the deal.” With one hand, he gestured to Jimin’s head rested comfortably in Jeongguk’s lap.

“Rude,” Jimin retorted teasingly, and Jeongguk chuckled again, using one hand to rub gentle circles into Jimin’s silky pink locks, the older boy’s playful glare mellow at the edges.

“Sorry,” Jeongguk sniggered.

“He’s not sorry!” Taehyung chirped, and Jimin giggled cutely, eyes scrunching.

“I know,” he answered, and Jeongguk muttered a low, _“rude.”_

“Guys, come out here!” Hoseok yelled, sticking his windswept head through a gap in the sliding glass door.

“It’s beautiful,” Yoongi called out from behind him, arm slung easily around the dancer’s neck, cheek pressed up against Hoseok’s, eyes full of happiness.

“I’m sure it is, hyung,” Jeongguk hollered back.

“Hoseok or the view?” Taehyung called out, the three boys snickering at the offended look on Yoongi’s face.

“Hoseok, of course!” he shot back, the boys falling silent.

Hoseok whacked the older boy’s shoulder, followed quickly by an intimate peck on Yoongi’s cheek. ‘You shithead,” he muttered, the sound carrying.

Jeongguk sighed, shuffling to his feet and making his way over. “Move over, then,” he complained, winking at Yoongi behind Hoseok’s back and ignoring the older boy’s indignant splutters.

Resting his forearms on the cold metal railing, the harbour-breeze pushing his hair off his face, Jeongguk let his eyes drift shut, the sound of his friends horsing around behind him drowned out in the eerie silence of the night.

“Not much of a view if your eyes are shut, is it?”

A warm body sidled up close to Jeongguk, and the younger boy cracked a smile without peeling his eyelids open. “I like the night,” he responded quietly, feeling Taehyung’s heavy gaze on him. “I like the feeling of it. The quiet, the cold…” He chuckled hoarsely. “I don’t know how to describe it.”

“It’s not about the physical beauty, right?” Taehyung’s deep voice rumbled, and Jeongguk smiled again.

“Exactly,” he said.

“But the physical beauty also matters,” the older boy murmured.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jeongguk muttered, brows drawing together thoughtfully before smoothing out. “The view is really beautiful, I’m sure.”

“Yeah,” Taehyung finally answered, voice choked with emotion. “The view is quite a sight.”

“Are you okay?” Jeongguk frowned, peeling his eyes open and tilting his head.

Taehyung gulped, eyes flitting restlessly between the floor of the balcony and the star-lit sky. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Jeongguk hesitated, looping an arm around the older boy’s waist. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Taehyung turned to him, warm breath fanning over the younger boy’s nose. “Yeah, Gukkie, I know,” he said, smile dazzling in its closeness. “Thank you.”

Jeongguk swallowed, turning his face away. “You’re welcome.”

It seemed the stars, twinkling safely and happily in the recesses of the midnight sky, were mocking him now.

The glass door slid shut behind him, his eyes never leaving the shrouded figure of Taehyung, alone on the balcony.

 

 

Jeongguk rolled out of the bed, stepping carefully over the body of Hoseok, laying cocooned in his sleeping bag on the floor, and pushing the door of the bedroom open. Squinting in the still dark living room, he snatched the key-card off the breakfast bar and pushed his feet into his Timberlands.

Stepping out onto the roof-top garden, Jeongguk inhaled deeply, the wintry early-morning breeze refreshing on his flushed cheeks. He stuffed the key-card into the pocket of his sweatpants and leapt up onto the railing, swinging his legs over and resting his weight on his palms.

Closing his eyes for a moment, he breathed in the taste of the sea-breeze and the sight of the sunrise, warm rays of light peeking over the horizon and turning the sky a beautiful combination of watermelon-pink and baby-blue.

“What are you doing up so early?”

The achingly familiar voice rang out over the rooftop, and Jeongguk smiled wanly. “Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered, fingering the key-card in his pocket. “Yoongi-hyung couldn’t stop saying Hobi-hyung’s name in his sleep,” he added, pleased to hear Taehyung’s giddy giggle.

“I’m so sorry,” the older boy teased, stepping to stand beside Jeongguk and leaning over the railing.

“Me too,” Jeongguk answered jokingly, watching Taehyung’s eyes crinkle gently at the corners.

Silence engulfed the two of them, but it was a comfortable silence, one that didn’t require useless words to fill it, and Jeongguk, unwilling to break the peace, shut his eyes again. Being around Taehyung had always been incredibly easy, Jeongguk realised, marvelling silently at the way their breaths fell in sync.

When he opened his eyes again, he was met with the sight of Taehyung, eyes shut, eyelashes turned golden by the sunlight, hair soft and fluffy from a full night of sleep, and Jeongguk was, suddenly, more than a little in love with him.

 

**five | about loyalty**

\--

“Guk-ah, can we talk?”

Jeongguk glanced up, brows furrowed. “What is it?”

“Just – come outside?”

“Okay…”  Jeongguk muttered, shutting his maths book and following Jimin out of the computer room. “What is it, Jiminnie? You look worried.”

“It’s…it’s really nothing,” Jimin answered, giggling nervously and pushing a hand through his hair. “It’s just…I think I’m…gay?”

“What?”

“Okay, not gay – Rosé is too beautiful to give up – but like, bi?” Jimin giggled again, voice pitched with anxiety.

Jeongguk was speechless.

“Yeah, definitely bi,” Jimin corrected, biting his lip and looking up at the younger boy through his eyelashes. “Can you please say something, Guk, your silence is giving me freaking anxiety.”

“I’m…what am I supposed to say?” Jeongguk questioned. “I mean – I think I already guessed this, but, um, good for you,” he added, and Jimin blinked, staring at him with wide eyes.

“How did you know?” he sputtered.

“You’re not that subtle, Jiminnie,” Jeongguk sighed, smiling. “So, who’s the lucky guy?”

Jimin spluttered helplessly.

“Who is it, Jiminniiieeeee,” Jeongguk prompted teasingly. “Tell meeeee.”

“Aish, you’re gonna judge me,” Jimin sighed.

“No, I promise I won’t! I’ll even help set you guys up!”

 “Please don’t, you won’t be helping, trust me.”

“So, who is it?”

“…it’s Taehyung.”

Jeongguk blinked. Inhaled once, exhaled once. Blinked again.

Jimin frowned, nudging the younger boy in the ribs. “Hey, you okay?”

“Huh?” he muttered dazedly. “I mean…yeah, I’m fine.”

“So…?”

“So what?” he mumbled, scuffing the heel of his shoe on the ground. “I’m happy for you. You’ve accepted yourself – that’s good.”

“Please don’t tell him,” Jimin murmured, and the younger boy chuckled bitterly.

“Trust me, I won’t.”

“Thank you,” Jimin added, hugging the younger boy briefly before stepping back into the room.

“Hey, Jiminnie,” Jeongguk called out, hands fisted in his pockets. “Be brave, yeah?”

“Okay,” the older boy replied, smiling brightly.

“Be careful, too,” Jeongguk added, and the older boy’s smile only widened.

“Don’t worry about me, Guk-ah,” Jimin called back. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

“I know,” Jeongguk replied softly, letting his head hang down. “I know you will.”

 

 

Walking in to the computer room at lunch, Jeongguk’s eyes were instantly drawn to the way Jimin sat next to Taehyung, thighs pressed together, Jimin’s palm flat on Taehyung’s knee. Bile rose in his throat as he froze in the doorway, heart pounding in his chest.

“Guk-ah, come over!”

Hoseok’s voice resonated throughout the room, and Jimin’s eyes snapped to meet his. Jeongguk swallowed, averting his gaze, before walking up to greet Hoseok and the others.

“Hey, hyung,” he murmured, and Hoseok frowned at him, swinging an arm around Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” the younger boy muttered defensively, ducking out of the dancer’s hold.

“Guk-ah, come over here for a second?” Yoongi muttered, wrapping his fingers around Jeongguk’s wrist and tugging him towards the door, Hoseok following closely.

“What is it, hyung?”

“There’s something wrong. What is it? Is it Jimin and Taehyung? I know they’re being touchy, but – “

“That’s not it, I promise,” Jeongguk chuckled. “I have two gay dads, hyung, do you really think I have any room to be homophobic?”

“Okay, point taken,” Yoongi muttered petulantly, pouting, and Hoseok giggled, wrapping an arm around the older boy’s waist. “What is it, then?”

Rolling his bottom lip into his mouth, Jeongguk exhaled heavily. “Just…” he hesitated. “Just wondering how I can set them up.”

The two older boys shot each incredulous glances. “I’m sure they don’t need any setting up.”

“Especially not from you, Guk-ah,” Hoseok joked, ruffling the younger boy’s hair as they headed back into the room.

Jeongguk forced himself to swallow the bitter taste in his throat.

Since when did he care about other people’s relationships?

 _Since it was Taehyung,_ a little nagging voice whispered in his mind.

For the first time, Jeongguk regretted.

He regretted meeting Taehyung.

Becoming best friends with him.

Falling in love with him.

Because that was what was happening, wasn’t it?

 

**six | about memories**

\--

“Do you, Taehyung, take Jimin as your…”

Jeongguk let his head hang, running a hand through his neatly styled hair and wincing at the sweat dampened locks. He hated to admit it, but his heart still ached in that painfully familiar way when Taehyung smiled at Jimin like he was the eighth wonder of the world.

_He used to smile at me like that._

But no, that wasn’t completely correct, was it? Taehyung had never, and would never, see Jeongguk the way the younger boy had seen him.

“I do.”

Taehyung’s voice ran clearly throughout the room, and Jeongguk bit back the cry in his throat. Joyful whoops filled the room – no doubt from Jimin’s dance crew and Taehyung’s acting class – and Jeongguk smiled bitterly.

He really didn’t understand why he had subjected himself to this.

Hoseok brushed the back of his palm with his knuckles and smiled knowingly when Jeongguk turned to him. “You didn’t have to come, you know,” Hoseok murmured.

Jeongguk smiled sadly, keeping his eyes locked on the stage. “My two best friends getting married? How could I miss it?”

Hoseok sighed. “It’s not a real ceremony, anyway,” he reassured the younger boy.

“It’s real enough to them,” Jeongguk replied quietly, pulling his wrist from the older dancer’s grasp.

Hoseok swallowed audibly, mouth snapping shut with the weight of Jeongguk’s grief.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jeongguk finally said, smiling sweetly when Jimin caught his gaze. “I’m okay.”

 

 

“There you are! Where did you run off to?”

Jeongguk squeezed his eyes shut, inhaling deeply and feeling the chilly breeze cut through his lungs and dry his tears. Taehyung sidled up next to him, bowtie loosened and tuxedo jacket fluttering in the winter air.

He looked so beautiful.

Jeongguk looked away.

“Needed some air,” he replied quietly, tilting his head back to watch the stars.

Taehyung blinked. “Are you okay?”

 _I’m fine,_ Jeongguk wanted to say. _It was just really stuffy in there and it gave me a headache, but I’m fine._

Those words never made it out.

“No,” he responded honestly, leaning his weight forwards on the metal railing as the balcony door finally slid shut.

“What?”

“I said no,” Jeongguk repeated, turning to look at the older boy.

“What do you mean?”

 “I used to like you, you know,” he confessed, and he couldn’t even feel bad at Taehyung’s surprised inhale.

“You – you what?”

“God, look at me, talking in past tense. I still like you,” Jeongguk corrected himself slowly, Taehyung’s eyes burning holes into his skin. “Fuck, why lie about it? I’m in _love_ with you, Taehyung, and now you’re married to Jimin.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I tell you?” Jeongguk scoffed. “It would’ve ruined everything our friendship had been built upon, and you know it. How could I tell you, and make you pick between me and Jimin? I didn’t want that for you, Taehyung-ssi.”

“Taehyung- _ssi?”_ The older boy repeated numbly, and Jeongguk smiled bitterly. “Aren’t we best friends, Gukkie?”

“I thought I could be selfless for a day,” he said quietly. “I thought I could let go, move on, and be happy for my two best friends but it hurts too much, Taehyung-ssi. It hurts too much to see you look at him like you’re the moon and he’s the sun and you need him to shine. You’ve only ever had eyes for him, and I can’t be best friends with someone when I can’t even wish them a happy marriage and mean it! How could I?”

“You should’ve just told me, Gukkie,” Taehyung repeated, and Jeongguk sighed, body slumping over the cold railing.

“I couldn’t, Taehyung. You wouldn’t understand.”

“You’re right,” the other boy acknowledged. “I don’t get it. Why would you like me? What is there to like about me?”

Jeongguk chuckled disbelievingly. “Why would I like you? You look at Jimin like he’s the sun, but to me, you’re the stars. And you know what I love so much about stars? They shine brightest in the dark, Taehyung. They shine all day and all night, and even without looking you know they’re always there, twinkling happily away in the sky. You’re the stars, Taehyung, because you bring light. You brought light to me. You made me happy. I never needed anything more than your company, Taehyung. I never needed anything more from you than to see you smile. That’s the beauty of stars. You never need to ask them for much.

“What did I like about you? You never failed to be kind, you never failed to be selfless, and you never failed to be generous. You were always there for me when I was down, always finding some way to cheer me up. You were thoughtful, and you dedicated your time to me when I needed it. You let me take care of you when you were down, even if it took me days to get through to you. You never wanted to show your weaker side, but you let me see your fragility, and you let me patch you up with shitty band-aids. You let me in, Taehyung.

“You made me smile. You made me enjoy being the new kid. You remember that first day when you asked me if I wanted to sit next to you? Me, a high-school student who was _adamantly_ straight, and the first thing I thought when I saw you was god _damn_. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. You still are, Taehyung.

“Why do I like you? I like you for you. All your ups and your downs, all your good days and your bad days…I wanted them all. You’re so incredibly _you,_ Taehyung. That’s why I like…no, that’s why I _love_ you.”

A tension-filled silence unfolded between the two, and Jeongguk was the first to break it, stepping back and pushing the door open.

“You don’t need to say anything,” he reassured desperately, heart clenching at the shuttered gaze Taehyung watched him with. “I don’t want, nor do I need, anything in return.”

Jeongguk stepped over the threshold, holding his breath. A small part of him still hoped Taehyung would call out to him, hands knotting in the back of his wrinkled suit, but he didn’t.

Of course he didn’t.

“Goodbye, Taehyung-ssi,” Jeongguk said quietly, defeated. “I wish you the best in life, and nothing but the best, because like I said years ago, if there’s anyone who deserves happiness, it’s you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this was shitty! I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not, originally, not only because of how personal it was but also because I wasn't incredibly happy with it...I had a different plan for this story, and I had written so much more originally but I deleted that because it was just so, so terrible. I'm also bad at writing fics past the 1k mark, sorry!
> 
> even so, I hope you somewhat managed to enjoy it. please leave kudos and your comments/feedback down below, I would really appreciate it. thank you for reading. :)
> 
> here are the links to how the characters!BTS look, if you were curious:  
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gq95CQ9Xkj2rbn_-BEqC_02nfJaBoZ91WDz4bJVs11A/edit?usp=sharing


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